i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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