I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
