Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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