she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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