Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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