oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
