i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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