Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
