How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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