I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
