Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
