I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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