i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
