Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
