Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
it was like his penis was on wheels.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize