ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
