Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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