What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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