So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
