I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
