if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize