I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
