Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
pray to the hookup gods
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
