"it" just moved
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
