apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
