my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize