Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
