my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
