you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize