this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
