im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
