Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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