I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
