Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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