I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize