so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
