Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
