I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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