Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
