Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
