Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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