I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
