Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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