I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
