well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
