look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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