Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
