I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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