What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
