i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
