I will die if light touches me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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