If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
