I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize