Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize