I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
