I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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