You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
