I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
