Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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