I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Randomize
