went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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