just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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