i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
