At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
