I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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