Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
