I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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