I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
there was a trapeze. enough said
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
