I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
