Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
