dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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