I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You smell like stripper and shame
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
