Betty ford says i'm here all night
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
